By Paula R. Stiles
Tagline: A feuding couple of witches, husband and wife, turn a town upside down.
Recap: Recap of witches episodes, the Leviathans, and Amy (God help us), again. Cut to a hair salon, where a young woman is multitasking closing a real estate deal and having her roots coloured. The hairdresser leaves her under a dryer with a magazine and closes the door so that she has privacy from the rest of the tony salon. Everything seems fine until she starts to feel a little warm, then hot, then can’t get out of the chair when she tries to escape. This proceeds to burning and electrocution (which everyone else in the salon somehow manages not to notice) and death. When the hairdresser returns, he’s horrified to uncover a crispy critter.
Cue title cards.
Dean is asleep in a motel room during the day, lying next to a beer bottle and dressed in the shirt he wore when he made a deal with a CRD in “All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 2”. He’s dreaming about Levstiel, Sam shooting at shadows, and Amy. He wakes up in a cold sweat, to find that Sam is not in bed. So, we get two age-old tropes – Dean dreaming and Sam not sleeping (and sneaking out, leaving Dean unprotected) – that never bode well for either brother.
Later, Dean is drinking whiskey and rustling up a new case, when he sees Sam running past the window. Sam has taken up exercise. When he comes in, he is all breathless and acting as he if hadn’t been ready to be committed somewhere just three episodes before. Annoyed, Dean calls him on it. Sam tries to turn that back on Dean, as Dean has been hitting the bottle like a piledriver. Dean then clams up and Sam walks off. Good to see the boys still communicating as well as ever. [/sarcasm]
At any rate, in the middle of this, Dean reels Sam into checking out two suspicious deaths – Doomed Teaser Gal and a guy who “boiled to death in a hot tub”, both in a nearby town called “Prosperity, Indiana”.
Meanwhile, Cheese Leviathan is walking through a parking lot with what looks like a shopping bag full of cheese. He’s talking on the phone to the Leviathan XO, apologising for the delay, and reassuring his boss that he can catch up with the “Winchesters” in a day and a half. He just stopped for a bite to eat. As he opens the trunk, we see the bite – a dead and bloody body of a man. The Leviathan drops the bag on the body and slams the trunk closed.
Sam and Dean drive into Prosperity, where we see Doomed Teaser Gal’s picture, on a poster near a very high-class art gallery with a man’s bust in bronze out front. Once in town, the brothers dress up in suits. Masquerading as “Agent Sambora” (Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi), Sam talks to the sister of Doomed Teaser Gal, whose name was ‘Wendy’. She says that everyone loved her sister and that even she, the older sibling, looked up to her [gags on the obvious and undeserved anvil about Sam’s alleged maturity level].
At the salon, Dean is examining the death scene while interviewing the hairdresser who found Wendy. In the process, he discovers a coin wedged into the wall behind the chair. Later, on the street, he talks over the phone with Sam about it. He only knows that it’s not American and Sam agrees that it’s probably a “hex talisman”. Sam asks Dean to pick him up in the Impala. After making another crack about Sam’s running, Dean agrees – then turns into a nearby liquor store.
Later, at a construction site, a guy sees off a colleague, puts some stuff in his truck, and hits the Porta-Potty (operated by “BM Disposals”). As he’s zipping up, a nailgun magically starts up, the nailgun rising on its own. The door flies open. As the guy turns around, startled, the nailgun revs up and shoots him several times with extremely long nails. The last two shots are to the eyes.
Both brothers visit this death scene. As Sam flashes his badge and enters the trailer office, Dean interviews a cop at the scene. The officer identifies the victim as “Dewey Stevens”, the owner of the largest construction business in town. The other thing is that the police couldn’t find anywhere that the nailgun could have been plugged in. After establishing that this is another “impossible” death, Dean finds another strange coin in the Porta-Potty. Inside the trailer, Sam has discovered that all of the victims were part of the same real estate project, which fell apart recently. The only survivor is a ‘Donald Stark’, founder of the Prosperity Charity Foundation, and owner of the bust outside the art centre, which is featuring an art auction by the Margaret Stark Charity Foundation.
At the art centre, Sam calls Dean on pulling out a silver flask and drinking from it. Aren’t they on the job? Dean just gives him a look and says they’re always on the job. Interesting that Sam is giving Dean a hard time about this, when the last time we saw either brother drinking on the job was Dean when he was affected by a curse in “Yellow Fever”. Before that, it was Sam who liked to get soused from time to time on a hunt (“Dream a Little Dream of Me” and “Playthings”). Sam then gets a text from Bobby, who tells him that the coins Dean found had lettering that was a Romanian cyrillic alphabet (derived from Greek), that was extant before the mid-19th century (Romanian, being a Romance language, now also uses a Latinate alphabet). The coins are an “antique Wallachian ducat”.
Sam then notices that the plants around the bust are dead. Dean says he noticed they were dead around Wendy’s house, too (He doesn’t mention the dead plants from the powerful necromancy in “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things”, which seems a little odd). Meanwhile, the Leviathan is driving their way through the fall countryside, listening to Bobby Goldsboro sing “See the Funny Little Clown”. Unlike the previous scene, this one feels a bit pointless and lacks the twist of the trunk bit.
At Don Stark’s home, the brothers are finding him not-so-upset to hear that the deaths might be related. They also meet his fetching “assistant”, Jenny Klein, and come to the rather obvious conclusion that she’s doing a lot more than baking him cupcakes. Sam excuses himself to go the bathroom (i.e. snoop), while Dean interviews Don a bit more. Don admits to having lots of enemies in the real estate business, despite being buds with Donald Trump (and sharing names with another Supernatural witch, Don Harding, in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester”), but that he is “well-respected” around town.
Upstairs, Sam is discovering that this may not be entirely true. He finds immaculate bedrooms and bathrooms, and a walk-in closet occupied only on one side, with a broken woman’s pump, a necklace, and a small box of hex spells, on the other side. Back downstairs, he asks Don about his wife. Don admits they’re going through a bad patch and Dean correctly guesses that said bad patch involves an affair Don had. Don eventually admits to one (and Dean correctly guesses, again, that it was with Wendy), but claims it was just “a thing”. Both brothers then point out that women don’t see it that way when husbands cheat. They suggest that Don “grovel”.
Outside, the brothers compare notes. Sam says that he doesn’t think Mrs. Stark intends to come back any time soon and notices that the shrubbery around Don’s porch is dead, just like the shrubs around the bust. Dean says it’s like Bewitched. Both brothers figure that Maggie is a powerful witch and Don her clueless husband. As they head out to the car, on their way over to Maggie’s, Dean calls Bobby. This turns out to be a very odd call, in which Bobby first claims not to know Dean, then apparently curses Dean out before agreeing to do the research. Needless to say, that’s strange behaviour, even for crotchety Bobby, but the writing this season is sloppy enough that I’m not sure we’re supposed to take anything from that.
At Maggie’s house, Sam fakes looking at the Impala’s engine, while Dean checks out Maggie’s place. He finds a lot of still-covered furniture, boxes, empty rooms…and a black altar in one closet. It contains photos of Don, Wendy and Jenny Klein. At that moment, Maggie drives in (with the license plate, “Stark 2”). Horrified, Sam distracts her enough to alert Dean, who has stolen Jenny’s photo (to prevent Maggie from working any spells on Jenny) and has to duck around corners and into rooms to avoid Maggie. He escapes, but Maggie notices that her altar has been disturbed. She gets another photo of Jenny to work on, smearing her own blood on the photo and chanting in Romanian.
Fortunately, Dean has already assumed that Maggie will spot the theft of the photo. The brothers rush over the Jenny’s house, where Jenny is baking cupcakes for Don…that happen to have little hearts in them. Real hearts. That pump blood. She starts choking out blood and chunks into the sink. As with the hairdressing death, the imagery in this scene is pretty unclear, with far more attention paid to cute and flashy gore than logic or consistency. What is supposed to be the proximate cause of her intended death? Choking? Bleeding from the throat? Is she eating her own heart? Whatever it is, she recovers with amazing speed once the brothers rush in, find the hex coin and destroy it (Sam shoots it while Dean helps Jenny).
Afterward, Jenny freaks out, while Dean quietly asks Sam if he needs to “slug her” to calm her down (It creeps me right out that a woman co-wrote this episode, and a female showrunner signed off on it). Once they get her calmed down (not by hitting her), they tell her she’s been “hexed” and that she needs to get out of Dodge. They also suggest she “cool it” with Don Stark. She looks confused and then grossed out. It transpires that she wasn’t having an affair with Don. Maggie just thought she was.
Meanwhile, Maggie is preparing for her art show with her assistant (and lesbian admirer), Sue, who told Maggie about Don’s affair with Wendy and wants Don gone so she can have Maggie all to herself. Sue blocks Don from seeing Maggie until Maggie comes up to deal with him, herself. They have a nasty little tiff, in which Don makes it abundantly clear he’s well aware Maggie has been practicing witchcraft and that he feels he wasn’t at fault because she neglected him (oh, lordie). When he mentions Sam and Dean as “FBI agents”, Maggie corrects him that they’re “hunters” and sarcastically thanks him for his concern over her wellbeing. As he leaves, she cracks the face off the bust outside, right as the brothers pull up.
At that moment, Dean gets a call from Bobby, who has the ingredients for a spell to take out Maggie (We find out later this means: Kill her, which is a huge and unacknowledged leap from previous episodes about witches, where Dean worried about killing other humans). One of the ingredients is chicken feet, which Sam goes out and gets from a butcher, coming back to drop them next to Dean while Dean is trying to eat pie. Why is this gross? Because refrigeration is out all over town and the feet are already going rancid (Rotting raw chicken smells naaaassssty). The brothers assume this is Maggie randomly taking out her anger on the town. Well…sort of.
At her art auction, Maggie is getting a taste of her own medicine. First, she seems a bit creeped out by Sue’s advances (like a hand on her shoulder. Between Sue and the hairdresser in the teaser, this episode will win no awards for GLBT tolerance). Then Sue discovers an eyeball in her highball, which makes her shriek in horror (something that makes Don, who is sitting outside in his car, smile). Then Maggie’s godawful paintings start to run. Furious, Maggie realises that Don is taking his revenge. Yup. Not only does Don know about Maggie’s witchcraft, but he, too, is a witch.
Don’s fun is not over, though. As Sue is trying to process how Maggie could be so sure Don could pull off that kind of sabotage, and reassuring Maggie that she’ll be there for her, Don decapitates her with a floating server tray. Instead of looking devastated at the loss of her friend, Maggie looks pissed and declares “war”.
At the art auction, the brothers survey the carnage and conclude that Maggie wouldn’t do this. It has to have been Don. He must be a witch, too. As they leave, they don’t see the Leviathan lurking in the car and then following them (They wouldn’t, since they don’t know what he looks like and don’t even know he exists). They go to stake out Maggie’s house, because Dean figures she and Don are finished killing off each other’s “toys”. It’s time for them to kill each other (As many problems as I have with this episode, I do have to say that Dean comes off as very smart in it. Very damaged…but very smart).
Sure enough, Maggie roars up and enters the house to find Don there, having a drink. As husband and wife start to bicker, Sam and Dean break in with a bowl of spell ingredients. Dean quickly recites the Latin incantation (which basically consigns the intended person to Hell) and Sam lights her up. And nothing happens.
In the confused silence, Maggie points out that the spell doesn’t work unless the chicken feet are chilled, which she ensured wouldn’t happen by causing the power to go out for all the butchers. So, not so random in her anger.
The two witches team up to start a very long spell against the brothers (which is just silly, since they could just, you know, kill them. In a number of ways. Or the brothers could have just shot them in the middle of it). This gives Sam time to suggest he and Dean do some impromptu couples counseling and Dean to get over his aversion to that sort of thing quickly enough to try it out, with Sam taking up the slack when Dean gets too far into the “kinky” aspect of love-hate relationships. Sam then makes the mistake of suggesting Maggie was partly at fault, while Dean leans too far on Don, and they each get blasted. Maggie and Don then start bickering about eight centuries of marriage, blasting the brothers at random intervals, as both Sam and Dean try to talk them through their fight. Maggie admits that she killed everyone she blamed for the affair – the two men for introducing Don to Wendy, and covering for him, and Wendy (of course) for sleeping with Don. In the end, after they sic a cloud of very CGI’d bees on Dean, who backs Don up on not having had an affair with Jenny, the two witches kiss and make up, admitting that they couldn’t possibly “murder” each other.
Back at the motel, the brothers are regrouping so they can get out of Dodge (perhaps following Jenny), and Dean is getting in a drink, when they finally are attacked by the Leviathan. He’s totally cleaning their clocks (tossing Dean into a corner, after Dean shoots him, and choking Sam) when he gets zapped from behind and falls to the floor, eyes wide. Don appears in the doorway. He came to “save” the brothers from hex coins Maggie put under their mattresses (I think they would have checked for those, assuming they even stayed long enough to use the beds and get hexed) and ended up accidentally saving them from the Leviathan, too. He has no idea what it is, only that it’s dark and deadly, and admits that the spell is only temporary. It will last a few days, at most. He suggests they find a big hole and drop the thing in it. Then he leaves.
Having tied and chained up the Leviathan, stuck it in the back of the car, and called Bobby to find them a hole, the brothers get ready to leave. Sam decides this is the perfect moment to have a talk about Dean’s problems (because Sam has decided he doesn’t have any, anymore). Dean really doesn’t want to have this conversation, especially when Sam reassures him that Dean can “unload” to him, with no trace of irony whatsoever. In the end, Dean won’t talk, only perfunctorily telling Sam that things are okay between them and admitting that he feels guilty about everything, that he takes on fault just for breathing. So, they get in the car and drive off into the night.
Review: What a stupid episode. I got that impression going in – that the plot of “Shut Up, Dr. Phil” would have more holes than Swiss cheese (The writing team on this one was also responsible for “Route 666” and it shows) – but I had hopes that the gore and the guest stars would make up for it in amusement value. Episodes like “Yellow Fever” and “Wishful Thinking” had big holes, too, but they were entertaining, overall. And there was the hilarious outtake that Jared Padalecki stuck up on Twitter the other day.
So, let’s get a few things out of the way, first. Yes, the gore is good and the deaths are appropriately gruesome (not to mention, very ’tis-the-season). Charisma Carpenter is entertaining as Maggie. I actually kind of liked Maggie. If the writers had at least forced her to face up to how she hurt others as part of her anger issues, I’d have felt a lot more comfortable rooting for her return. I’m not so sure about James Marsters, who seemed to be hobbled into low-key mode until near the end. I liked Buffy when it was on (though I thought it peaked at the end of season three) and I did like Spike, but I was never a fan of Angel. So, I was mildly interested in the stunt-casting, though not enough to forgive everything else. And the scene with Dean watching Sam running is funny, though not quite as funny as the power-walking outtake.
And that kind of sums up the whole episode – it’s meant to be light and funny, but the subject matter is too heavy and dark to be light or funny, and the treatment isn’t satirical or quick enough to make up for that. Plus, the historical stuff sucks, as we’re supposed to believe two Romanian witches from an Eastern Orthodox country could hobnob with rich Christians in the Latin West during the Renaissance. If it had all been played for farce (something like Rocky Horror Picture Show), no problem. But War of the Roses this was not. The timing felt completely off and the underlying morality of it was seriously questionable.
For example, if we’re supposed to root for Maggie and Don, why does the script go out of its way to make their victims just innocent collateral damage in their centuries-old marriage? Make the victims culpable in some real way and I’m willing to buy the horror-movie karma, but Maggie’s friend being anti-Don (and lesbian) and some girl everybody liked having a brief affair with Maggie’s husband aren’t things that make me feel good about rooting that those who killed them get to walk off into the sunset. We won’t even get into the situation with the poor assistant. Sure, the brothers saved her, but she’s still probably scarred for life and she didn’t do anything.
Also, what’s with all the sexism? Over half of the victims are female (Even the one person Don kills is Maggie’s best bud). Maggie is told she needs to forgive Don because both sides are at fault when someone cheats (um…no), and anyway, what about that time she boffed Christopher Columbus five centuries ago? Why Maggie screwing Mr. I Discovered America…Again gives Don carte blanche to have an affair five centuries later is beyond me (Oh, and show, most educated people have known the world was round for about two and a half thousand years. They just couldn’t agree on how big it was). It sounds as though Maggie is being told to get over it, which is almost as creepy as her total lack of remorse over killing three people.
Then there is the jokey and belittling way in which Maggie is portrayed. Keep in mind this is the same dynamic writing duo that gave us brainless and self-centred “career girl” Cassie, and her mouthbreathing mother in “Route 666”. So, I guess it’s no shock that this is the second time this season we’ve seen that “girls” and “boys” are judged differently in the SPNverse now (which never ends well for us girls), with all the unnecessary angst over Amy’s death because she was young, pretty and female. God forbid we allow that she was a strong and powerful monster who could have ripped Dean wide open in the time it took him to get close enough to stab her (Apparently, he wasn’t supposed to take advantage of her hesitation and confusion to get the drop on her; he was supposed to let her recover her balance and rip him to shreds, instead).
And God forbid that we treat Maggie’s formidable powers and anger as anything but midlife-crisis jealousy and PMS. Speaking of Maggie’s powers, we are supposed to believe some really complex actions come out of a single hex bag and a spell recited without seeing the actions take (like restraining an individual, blocking the sound of her screams, and electrocuting her on top of burning her). That reeeeeaaaaaallly stretches the bounds of the previously grounded and realistic view of magic the show has demonstrated in the past, and turn the hexes into poorly done dei ex machina. Writers often forget that magic isn’t a Get Out of a Plot Hole Free card. It’s supposed to make sense within your story – have boundaries, checks and balances, and consequences for the user (as it invariably does in folklore). Not to mention that previous witches have defeated the brothers, only to go up against stronger forces that squashed them like bugs on a windshield, before the brothers (who had survived) killed or neutralised those stronger forces. The writers forgot that this week, too. But then, this is the writing duo that gave us a racist killer monster truck as their MOTW.
Which brings us to Don. I’m not sure how to take his saving the brothers in the end. Okay, he’s a nice guy. Fine. But he still killed his wife’s BFF right in front of her, just to make her mad. Not nice. And people did die because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. Also uncool. Plus, the Leviathans have so far been portrayed as incredibly dangerous and also extremely smart. So, I have a hard time believing they’re not going to track down this little hamlet, figure out what happened to their brother-in-slime, and wipe Don and Maggie off the face of the planet, just for kicks – I mean, to be safe. They are millions, even billions, of years old and probably would laugh in Don and Maggie’s faces before eating them raw.
I can’t see the ability to stun a Leviathan for a few days being something they would ignore, but unless Don and Maggie do come back, expect it to be like Jesse the Antichrist’s magic wishes and don’t wait to see it ever again. After all, Don and Maggie may be awesomely powerful, but, like every single witch we’ve seen on the show (except for the two nutters in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester”, they are also petty, lazy, self-centred, and completely un-heroic. Not to mention, depressingly upper-middle-class WASP.
Writers, please don’t screw up the best thing by far you’ve got going this season (and the best Big Bad since YED) for the sake of a few cheap laughs. The cheese death was good. A human witch easily getting the drop on a Leviathan…not so good.
Now to the brothers. As I said above, I thought the outtake was hilarious and wish it had been in the final version. The final version was okay, but a bit meh. This show needs to capitalise a lot more on Jared Padalecki’s Inner Goofy, while staying the hell away from Woobie Sam or Dark Sam. Come on, show. Let that boy cut loose. Stop making him the straight man all the time.
I do find it a tiny bit bizarre that some fans are already blaming Dean for “letting” Maggie and Don go after he killed Amy two episodes ago. First of all, Maggie and Don cleaned the brothers’ clocks (though this show has been very inconsistent in explaining why “immortal” witches, who essentially get their extended lifespans from stealing other people’s lifeforce, are immune to unexpected things like bullets in the back, when the brothers took down the other Don the Witch in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester” just fine). They only got out of town alive due to Don’s intervention. Plus, they suddenly found a Leviathan on their tails. I don’t care how old or powerful these witches are. They’re small potatoes compared to even one Leviathan. So, the brothers are going to be distracted from going after any witches for a while.
Second, last I checked, Sam and Dean were both on this hunt, both got their butts kicked, and Sam totally screwed up with letting Amy go two episodes ago, anyway. Which doesn’t, somehow, stop some fans from abusing the word “hypocrite” in regards to Dean, as if they’ve never looked it up. Which they probably haven’t. But then, whenever it comes to Sam’s screw-ups, it always seems that a good offense serves better than any defense of the character for some. Is Dean lying to Sam? Sure. But Sam lied to Dean, first.
Third, Maggie and Don are human magic-workers, while Amy was a monster whose species survived by preying on humans. Totally different categories of killers, there. More like hunter-style killers. Or Bela-type killers. And that’s a much thornier issue. But, hey, as long as we can slam Dean for killing the nice monster, or not killing the nice monster, or not fighting back sufficiently hard against the evil god, or drinking too much, or not appreciating his treacherous brother or the dead friend who betrayed him and unleashed a horrible new monster on the world, it’s all good. [/sarcasm]
I’m pretty sure the writers didn’t think this deeply about how Sam is doing right now, but he came across to me in this one as a dry drunk (After all, he did spend two seasons as an addict). A dry drunk is someone who no longer drinks (or does whatever his/her drug of choice is), but still engages in all the behaviours that got him/her in trouble in the first place. Dry drunks can also be terribly self-righteous – sort of born-again, you could say.
Another aspect is that untreated major and chronic mental illness is cyclical in nature. The individual will have a crisis. The crisis will pass. The individual will feel better, think everything will be fine, and stop the therapy or medication he/she was receiving to get through the crisis. The illness will come back, another crisis will brew, and you can all see where this is going. Not everyone does this, of course, just as not everyone does the physical version of it – where you start a healthier diet or exercise program after a health crisis, then go off it when you feel better – but a lot do. And part of the cycle often seems to involve the person being holier-than-thou about everyone else’s behaviour when he/she is doing well. Like, you know, Sam.
Part of this probably has to do with that whole biblical thing of being so focused on the mote in your neighbour’s eye that you don’t see the honking, great beam in your own. Part of it, though, may be a control thing. Deep down, even in that much denial, Sam has to know that he has not put Hell and Lucifer in his rearview mirror the way he’d like to think he has. In order to ensure that his mental health remains optimal, he seems to have become obsessed with the idea that, if only he can control his environment well enough, all will be well and the monsters in his head will not come roaring out of his messy, dionysian subconscious to screw with his appolonian consciousness. This is a major component of OCD – controlling your fear by controlling your surroundings – and Sam does have a bit of OCD (as shown in “Mystery Spot”). One could see his mental illness not receding so much as manifesting in a different form – obsessively exercising and obsessively focusing on “saving” Dean.
Not that the brothers are nearly as unused to exercise as Dean’s statements make it sound. Sam talks to Dean in the Pilot about how they were “raised like warriors” by John, with intensive training. And in both the Pilot and “Skin”, we see that they are exceedingly fit and well-trained in martial arts. I don’t quite know what the writers are trying to say here about Dean’s relationship with John (It probably didn’t even occur to them) or Dean’s (further) decline into alcoholism, but I hope better writers than these two take it up down the road.
I happen to like Dean’s mental illness storyline, but it needs to go somewhere. It’s been percolating the whole series and it’s time to take it out of neutral and put it in gear. Dean is a hot mess and he’s not going to get magically better, even by Sam’s standards, without a lot of work and more than a little hope. Oh, and show, since you are a supernatural series, and you’ve had no problems giving every other character’s issues a supernatural spin, I sure hope you are going in a supernatural direction with Dean’s taking on all of the guilt of the world. Don’t tease and then not deliver.
It is interesting that Dean won’t open up to Sam. Personally, I think that’s okay. Sam’s just bounced off a major psychotic break and is now high on life. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw his ginormous ass, either. How much less so Dean, who has the bitter experience of having Sam do horrific things with the secrets Dean has told him. I don’t just mean Sam using that stuff to call Dean “weak” in the middle of season four. I also mean Sam’s big fat mouth when it came to telling everyone and their mother (including Ruby, Grandpa Shady and the freakin’ inbred cousins) things Dean shared in confidence. I’m sure Dean still loves Sam, but that doesn’t mean Sam will ever be a priest on anything Dean tells him. At the very least, Bobby, who is a raging, self-pitying alcoholic who sabotages every single move Dean makes in the direction of sobriety, will get to hear it all. Bobby and Sam share Dean’s secrets the way Dean and Bobby chat about telenovelas. Hell, maybe Dean’s life is a telenovela to them.
Dean: Somebody better be chasing you.
Sam: [Running]’s good for you.
Dean: No…no, it’s not good for you. Look at you. You’re a mess and you stink.
Officer [about a victim]: Dewey Stevens, owner of Dewey Stevens Construction Company, biggest outfit in town. Rotarian, Methodist, Tenor, Blue Ribbon Pecan Pie Champ, asthmatic. [off Dean’s look] We’re a close-knit community.
Sam [as Dean pulls out a silver flask]: Really? From a freakin’ flask? What are you, Bad Santa? [off Dean’s look of confusion] On the job?
Dean: We’re always on the job.
Dean: Don, wives generally think of an affair as more than “a thing”.
Sam: We’re not implying anything. We’re just saying you should take [Maggie] to dinner. And apologise.
Dean: Yeah. And, uh, grovel.
Jenny [freaking out]: There were tiny, beating hearts in my cupcakes. There were hearts in my cupcakes! Hearts in my cupcakes! THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! HEARTS IN MY CUPCAKES!!!
Dean [to Sam]: Should I slug her?
Sam: Give her a second.
Don: Where’s my wife?
Sue: You mean the one who’s divorcing you?
Don: Between the art and the charity and that evil bitch, Sue, I’ve been edged right out of your life!
Maggie: Oh, boo-hoo, Mr. Big Shot. Mr. I Gotta Put My Name On Every Public Works In Town. There was three of us in this marriage – me, you and your ego.
Maggie: I’ve had eight hundred years of this. Do not make me bring up the Renaissance.
Don: Oh! You’re one to talk! That 1492 ring any bells?
Maggie: The man was about to set sail! He could possibly fall off the edge of the Earth! I took pity! So? What’s your excuse?
Don: I told you! Nothing happened with the Medici chick!
Dean: Sam, I am so very, very, very….very…very, very tired.
Dean: There’s always something eating at me! That’s who I am! Something happens – I feel responsible. All right? The Lindbergh baby: That’s on me. Unemployment – my bad.