By Sayuri Yamada
What do you think of Numbers Five and Nine? Look at Number Five. She’s big: tall and chunky, a lot of yummy meat inside. Oh, you prefer Number Nine? Yeah, she is slender and looks beautiful. Some people prefer the same, favouring slim ones, but I like bulky ones better. See the Five? What’s her name? … The catalogue says here her name is … ’Sheena Sheenan’ from South Devon. What kind of name is that? Let’s see what it says in the bio …. Oh, she is the youngest of eleven children. Probably her parents were sick of naming their babies when she was born, so they just gave her their surname without the last N. Anyway, her name doesn’t matter. Look at her neck. It’s so broad, the same width as her head, which sits evenly on her shoulders. Her head is firmly supported, no teetering. It must have a big chunk of flesh there. Juicy.
Look at Nine. Her name is … in the catalogue … ‘Jane Smith’. Oh, what a unique name she’s got. Do all of them have names like Five and Nine? Let’s see … Elisabeth Owen, Prissy Rodríguez, Abbie Morgan, Wilma MacDonald …. Other names are, it seems, all right. Oh, well, nothing is perfect.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Number Nine: Jane. Her neck is also slender, which means her head isn’t well-supported. Her neck looks like it has only bones and skins. No good. It looks pretty, but the appearance doesn’t count too much.
This wild boar terrine is so good. It’s got tiny chunks of meat in it, which tease your tongue. This place always serves it. I’ve been coming here for five years and the wild boar terrine is the first food I start enjoying the contest with and the last food I finish it with. In my second year here, it was all gone at the end, so I couldn’t eat it then. From the third year on, I kept some on my plate for the last taste. See, I’ve put this bit aside. It’s for the end. Would you like to try some? It’s on the second table from the left. It will melt in your mouth. What? You’re a vegetarian? A big guy like you? And what are you here for, then? Just out of curiosity? Okay. But you can enjoy yourself more at a plant market next to Compton Park. You are a vegetarian! I haven’t seen one before. Yeah, okay, not everybody is the same. Fair enough.
Look at Sheena’s long torso. It must have good inner organs inside. Her long intestines can make good sausage cases. Her liver would be excellent. Have you had raw liver? Yeah, you’re a vegan. No? Not that strict? Do you eat fish? No? How about cheese? Good. We can talk about cheese some time later, then.
I first had raw liver, which was nicely sliced, four years ago. I was on holiday in Japan. At this crowded restaurant, my friend ordered it for us. I first flinched from the idea of eating raw liver. You know, livers get rid of bad things from blood, so they could be full of toxins. I might get afflicted by some diseases. But my friend explained that no poisons are kept there and the liver was good, soft and smooth.
I know you’re fidgeting. You must be uncomfortable to hear my story about the raw liver. Remember, you are not at a plant market. You should’ve known beforehand.
Jane has a short torso. You like that, don’t you? It looks nicer, I know. But the appearance sometimes is deceptive. Not in plants? When they look nice, they are nice to eat? Fine. But you aren’t looking at your food, now, all right?
Where was I? I can’t keep to one subject with a vegetarian. Why is your seat here, next to me? All vegetarians should be at the same table. What? You didn’t tell the organiser you’re a veggie? No wonder. Well, this is an experience. I should look on the bright side, as they say.
Jane’s legs are long and slender. I bet you like them. But not much muscle, only bones and skin. Look at Sheena’s legs. They are shorter than Jane’s but more muscular. A lot more to eat. Her thighs are thick, especially right above her knees. See the two big muscles there? They’re mouth-watering. Jane has nothing much there. Maybe only good for soup.
What did you just say? I couldn’t hear you because of the noise over there. What happened there? Looks like a waiter dropped a glass onto somebody’s food, which splashed everywhere. The waiter looks like a teenager. He must be a part-time worker. Big functions like this shouldn’t hire inexperienced waiters like him. And the poor customer. His white suit is now blotches of brown, red and yellow.
Oh, yeah. I can hear you now. What? You want me to teach you about meat? That is why you’re here? Why? Why do you want to learn about meat? You’re a vegetarian. Yeah, you’ve told me it’s just out of curiosity. Okay, I’ll tell you something about it. You might not like it and I’m not good at talking. Yeah, I’ve been speaking about Sheena a lot, but it was like talking to myself out loud. It’s different. Okay, I’ll try.
You see Sheena’s mouth? It’s broad. Jane’s is small. Big mouths mean a big appetite. Small mouths mean a small appetite. Women with a big appetite eat a lot and develop good muscles. It’s natural Sheena is big and Jane is thin. You still prefer small mouths? It’s hard to change your feelings overnight. You’ll learn slowly. Don’t worry.
Yeah, Jane’s got big ears, protruding through her hair. Sheena’s are small, almost hidden in her hair. But ears don’t matter. How they can hear doesn’t affect their flesh. Of course, there is a bit more meat in big ears, but same difference. Unless she had huge, flapping ears like Dumbo. If you like women like that, you should go to a rarity market, which is held at the nearby city once a year. I don’t know the details, but I’m sure you can find out online.
Sheena’s torso is straight. Jane’s a bit tilted to the right. A straight torso has healthy organs inside. A tilted one must have some abnormality in its innards. See other women? Number Seven is okay, although she is a bit skinny. Number Two is very straight, but she is rather rigid. That means she is nervous. Nervous women’s meat is often tough and stringy, even when they are young. Calm women produce light-red meat that is tender. Stressed women’s flesh is dark-red and tough. You should look at how they stand: still or fidgety. If Sheena were nervous, I wouldn’t choose her. Her behaviour would tell the quality of the meat.
Do you know some company has made a perfect GM woman? She is tall and big, lots of meat. Her back is straight. Her torso is nice and long. Her neck is broad. But her flesh might affect us later. You know, nobody knows for sure what will happen to our bodies if we keep eating GM women. Even the company is vague about it. I saw that on TV the other day. Would you like to eat her? Oh, you wouldn’t, anyway. You’re a veggie. I prefer natural women who might have some blemishes, with the future safe.
Now they’ve turned round. Their backs are to us. See how Sheena’s shoulder blades are totally the same on both sides? Her body is very well-balanced.
You want to know about Number Three? Oh, she is over-finished. You don’t know the meaning? Sorry, you’re a veggie. It means she is too fat. See her double chin? Inside, she must have thick fat, like pigs. Do you know people in some remote regions eat animals like pigs and cows? Can you believe it? It’s revolting. Anyway, Number Three should’ve done more exercise. Sheena’s chin is tight. Her meat must be marbled with white fat, nice and juicy. See Jane? She is under-finished – not fat enough.
And Sheena’s bottom is wide and her feet are set wide apart. That’s the good balance. It’s okay to have a small bottom, although there’s less meat. But a small-bottomed woman should have her feet close together. It’s all a matter of balance.
I’ll tell you my favourite recipe. It’s chop marinade. You just put the meat into the marinade sauce, which is soy sauce, brown sugar, minced garlic, minced ginger, and chili sauce. You are supposed to leave it for only ten minutes or so. But you know what? When I was cooking it last time, I had a row with my partner and didn’t grill the meat for two days. The meat cooked after two days in the marinade was just excellent. All the sauce was in the core of the meat. It was so smooth and tender. How we enjoyed it, then. So, if you have time, leave the meat in the marinade for longer. I guarantee it.
You think I buy whole women often? No. I wish I could. I usually go to a local market to buy meat in packets. Whole women are so expensive. The last time I had enough money to buy a woman was last spring. But my clocks had malfunctioned. They didn’t change the time – you know, the Daylight Saving Time. So, I was one hour too late. I almost sued the clock company.
You still like Jane? You’ve changed? So, you prefer Sheena? What? You like Number One? That tiny woman? She’s short and skinny. She’s got nothing. I don’t know how she’s passed the criteria test. Why do you like her? Because of her eyes? Oh, eyeballs are small in any women. They’re highly regarded in some regions, but … What? Her eyes show her intelligence? Maybe, but what’s that for? Their brains have nothing to do with their flesh. Good-functioning brains might taste better, but then, you are in the wrong place. You should go to, I think, Parts Market on Bath Lane. No? What do you want? Why are you whispering? What? Speak up. Companionship? From a woman? How? To talk? About what? With women? You are a freak. In some very remote places, I’ve heard, some women are treated as if they were almost the same as men. But not in decent cities like here.
Hey, Security! There is a mutant here!
Bio: Sayuri prefers animals and machines to people. Her friends are Charley (a black-and-white cat) and Sebastian (a black cat), her neighbour. She know some people at her gym, but they are only acquaintances. Also, she prefers bad people in stories.